A PERSON I ADMIRE

Roberto Alomar

Reverto Alomar is 30 years old. His birthday is Febuary 5 1968. He was born in portoricko.

     I injoy Reberto Alomars occupation wicth is baseball. He is a Designated hitter. In 1997 Reberto Alomar hit a career .333.

     His achifments are making it to the pro’s. HIs dad and brother both play baseball.

     I like baseball because when you hit the ball your team cheers you on.

     I play baseball in Action for fun and we dont haft to stay in the same position.

     I admire Reberto Alomar because I would like to go to the pros and hit a career .333.

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教师评语：想法、句式、词汇都很简单。虽然文章里面提出了一些观点，但是都没有与事实相结合，没有写出“为什么”这个人是被敬佩的。还有一些不应出现的拼写错误，如：haft to → have to。

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Level 4的五年级学生写的作文。

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My Uncle R_

     My Uncle R_ is a family doctor who has recently joined an organization called “Doctors Without Borders.” Now, he travels around the world to help countries that are struggling from war as a doctor.

     Lately, he travelld to Zäire and Rwanda. The people there are struggling of a war that involves three sides. Two of the sides are actual armies fighting against each other. The other side is simply civilians struggling to survive. While he was there, he treated bullect shot wounds, machete wounds and deadly diseases. In his two year time period there, he saved many lives.

     My Uncle loves nature, He can name almost any flower you can see. Butterflies are one of his favourite species on Earth. His favourite kind is the Monarch. My uncle also enjoys watching bears. His favourite type of bear is the grizzly.

     Scuba diving is one of my uncle’s favourite things do. He has explored many reefs. My uncle also enjoys collecting pins, flags etc.

     One of my uncle’s futre goals are to go to back to Zäire and help end the war. The reasons that I admire my uncle is because he helped save many lives. He put his life in danger in one of the most dangerous places in the world.

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教师评语：文章整体结构性很强，虽然不是所有分段都支持中心思想，但是段落介绍和结尾很清晰。细节贯穿全文，为读者解释了“为什么是最敬佩的人”。用词有深度，很吸引人。出现了个别的拼写错误，如：“futre”和语法错误，如：“reasons...is”。

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在六年级教纲里，文章组织方面，学生需要利用很好的段落连接表达中心思想。学会使用其他媒体以及多种文字方式表达。着重在语法、标点、拼写和习惯用语上校对并修正最后草稿。

 

六年级的例文命题是“CANADA’S NEWEST TERRITORY”（加拿大的最新领土）

 

Level 1的六年级学生写的作文。

 

There will be a new territory in Canada.

The wild life is Maskox, Grizzy Bear’s, Wolves, Foxes and Caribou but some people call Reindeer.

The language there is English French and the natives Speak Inuktitut.

Nuavut’s bird’s are the Snowowl, Geese, Swan, Ducks, Peregrine falcon.

Nuavut’s Climte is the most nothern and the Coldest part of Canada.

Nuavut’s Summer insects are Mosquitoes, wasps, Bees.

Nuavut also has animals that lives inand around the water. They are Walruses, Whales and Polar bears.

Nuavut’s Summer weathe Still has icecaps, glaciers and the ground is frozen allyear round.

It’s is very cold in Nunavut but there is a lot of stuff there for you!!

 

教师评语：整篇文章没有主体思路，缺乏结构性，只展示了有限的细节。每个段落只有一句话，词汇有限、并有一些基本的拼写错误。没有写题目，大写字母使用不一致。句子不通顺，形式单一。

 

Level 4的六年级学生写的作文。

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“Welcome, Nunavut! Canada’s Newest Territory!”

     On April 1, 1999, a new member of the Canadian family will be born! A new territory, called Nunavut, will join Canada. If this is new news to you, you will be very surprised to learn that people have been discussing this new territory for a number of years. The Canadians who inhabit the Northwest Territories have polled twice to make choices concerning Nunavut. Actually, they have even decided what their capital will be. It is called Iqaluit, which is the biggest community in the territory.

       Nunavut is in the coldest and most northern region of Canada. The majority of it’s land is frozen. This frozen land is called permafrost. In Nunavut you can also observe numerous ice caps and glaciers. As you can tell, the people that are to live in Nunavut will have to dress very warmly.

     The majority of the population of Nunavut are Inuit. Actually, near 85% of the citizens are Inuit. Are you wondering what languages the Inuit people speak? Actually, the answer is that most of the Inuit are trilingual. They speak English, French, and Inuktitut. This vernacular tongue has aided in passing on the myths, dancesand songs that are the records of early Inuit history.

     You may believe that because the climate in Nunavut is so exceedingly cold, no creatures in the wild would survive. That is not so. The land in Nunavut is abundant with animals that thrive in the harsh environment. One such being is the caribou. Humans make coats out of their pelts, which are recognized for their warm insulation. Groups of muskox wander the land. Muskox have dense, rough fur and broad, humped shoulders. Other animals in Nunavut include foxes, wolves, and grizzly bears. Nunavut is also home to an immense seal settlement, and also walruses, whales, and polar bears.

     Nunavut is also a habitat to a number of astonishing birds, like ducks, geese, swans, peregrine falcons, and snowy owls. But don’t forget those pesty insects! The cold does not stop them! Even bees, wasps, and (of course) mosquitoes make their appearance in Nunavut!

     We all still have many thing to fathom when it comes to Nunavut. In time we will come to understand it, though never completely. Welcome, Nunavut! Canada’s newest territory!  

 

教师评语：这个学生抓住了所有重要的信息、要点并进行了细节论述。文章具备高组织性、段落结构清晰、联系紧密。利用单句、复式句、丛句式长短结合、互相转换，增强了文章的可读性。描述性词语的使用，使文章很生动。

 

The majority of the population of Nunavut are Inuit. Actually, near 85% of the citizens are Inuit. Are you wondering what languages the Inuit people speak? Actually, the answer is that most of the Inuit are trilingual. They speak English, French, and Inuktitut. This vernacular tongue has aided in passing on the myths, dancesand songs that are the records of early Inuit history.

 

就英文写作来看，这一段很容易写得平淡，但是这个6年级学生写得非常精彩。每句话都用不同的句式和词语来开始，一句跟紧一句递进，例如：“The majority of .../ Are you wondering…/ Actually, the answer is...”，。同样的一句话，换不同的方式会使文章显得更加生动。

 

从5、6年级学生写的level 4的作文可以看出，这些学生已经很有自己的想法、并且逻辑性很强。文章的结构以及分段论述环环相扣。如果有时间，家长不妨参考前两篇1~4年级学生写的例文，可以体会到教纲对学生思考能力方面的要求的提高。